Beyond Love: A Somatic Approach to Building Lasting Relationships
This information draws from an interview between Stan Tatkin and Kai Cheng Thom. Become a member of The Embody Lab to watch the replay of the interview HERE.
When we think about successful relationships, we often focus on love, chemistry, and emotional connection. But according to relationship expert Dr. Stan Tatkin, these elements alone aren't enough to create lasting partnerships. Instead, he suggests something both simpler and more challenging: treating relationships as a carefully designed system built on mutual agreements and body-based awareness.
The Body Knows What Words Don't Tell Us
Many of us have experienced that moment in a relationship-related conflict where we start with the best intentions to stay calm and curious, only to find ourselves becoming defensive or angry when tension arises. Dr. Tatkin explains that this happens because our bodies react faster than our thinking minds. When we're stressed, we can’t access our intentions as easily and instead fall back on automatic responses shaped by our earliest experiences of relationships.
This is why traditional couples therapy focusing only on talking about problems often falls short. Our bodies hold patterns of relating that words alone can't change. As Dr. Tatkin puts it, "Narratives lie." What we think happened in an argument isn't always accurate because we're seeing things through our own, stressed lens.
Building a "Society of Two"
Rather than trying to change these automatic responses directly, Dr. Tatkin suggests creating clear agreements about how partners will handle difficult moments. He compares it to a "three-legged race" where partners are physically tied together - they have to coordinate their movements or they'll both fall.
Some key elements of this approach include:
Making the relationship the top priority above all else
Creating specific agreements about how to handle conflicts
Learning to be an "expert" in reading and responding to your partner's stress signals
Taking responsibility when your partner feels hurt, even if you didn't intend harm
Working together as equal "co-governors" of the relationship
Why Traditional Romance Isn't Enough
Many of us grow up believing that if we love someone enough, everything will work out. But Dr. Tatkin suggests this sets us up for failure. Instead, he encourages couples to "plan for our devils, not our angels." This means accepting that we'll all sometimes be "selfish, self-centered, moody, fickle" - and creating systems to handle those moments constructively.
This might sound unromantic, but it actually creates the conditions for deeper love to flourish. When partners know they can count on each other to follow their agreements even in tough moments, it builds the safety needed for genuine intimacy.
The Role of the Body in Relationship Repair
A unique aspect of Dr. Tatkin's approach is how it incorporates our physical responses. Rather than just talking about problems, partners learn to:
Read subtle facial expressions and body language
Notice when their partner is becoming stressed before words are spoken
Use voice tone and physical presence to help calm each other
Recognize their own body's signals of distress
Work with the natural rhythms of activation and settling in their nervous systems
Building New Patterns Together
The good news is that while our automatic responses are deeply ingrained, we can build new patterns through practice. This happens not by trying to change ourselves alone, but by creating new experiences together. As Dr. Tatkin explains, "In a secure functioning relationship, I am responsible for your ongoing felt sense of safety and security."
This means learning to:
Notice when our partner is struggling before they say anything
Step in to help regulate their nervous system when they're stressed
Accept help from them when we're the ones struggling
Create shared agreements about how to handle conflicts
Practice following these agreements even when it's difficult
Moving Forward
While this approach requires a more conscious effort beyond simply falling in love, it offers a practical path to creating relationships that last. By understanding how our bodies and nervous systems work, and creating clear agreements about how to handle challenges, couples can build partnerships that grow stronger over time.
The key is remembering that relationships are something we actively create together, not something that just happens to us. As Dr. Tatkin reminds us, if we don't like how our relationship is working, we can always step back and redesign it together.
Want to Learn More?
Want to learn more about somatic approaches to relationships? Our Somatic Attachment Therapy Certificate Program offers in-depth training in these methods. Join us to develop the skills needed to help couples create lasting, secure partnerships.
If you’re interested in understanding relationships and how somatic practices can help you, consider working with a Somatic Therapist or Practitioner. The Embody Lab’s Somatic Therapist and Practitioner Directory can help you find the right practitioner to support your journey towards more self-compassion, connection, and authenticity. Explore our directory and find the support you need.
