Shifting From “I Can’t” to “I Can” to Create a More Compassionate World

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” 
- Chinese Proverb

Let’s talk about compassion. 

Pema Chodron, Tibetan Buddhist teacher, author, and nun, wisely shares: “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.” 

In our work with others, we may occasionally come up against our own resistance. At the root of this resistance lies the notion that we can only give to others that which we’ve given to ourselves. When we have rejected a part of ourselves, how can we possibly accept this part in another? 

If we wish to transform the “I can’t” response into “I can," we are called to touch upon the cultivation of compassion for ourselves. We are called to tap into our courage and strength, to lean towards our own experience of suffering, both for ourselves and for the world. 

As Pema Chodron writes, 

“Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance.” 

How do we allow ourselves to sit with this this discomfort and fear of the unknown so that we can allow compassion to transform us? 

Three somatic tips on how to regulate and cultivate self-compassion:

1. Acknowledge the pain and suffering.

The first step of self-regulation and self-compassion is to consciously choose to turn towards the pain and to acknowledge what’s here in the present moment. These are some steps that may be helpful for you: 

1. Slow down and take a pause. 
   
   Can we gift Suffering the time and attention that it deserves to heal, be heard, felt, and acknowledged? As Audre Lorde, African-American poet, feminist, and civil rights activist shares: “Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.” 
   
   Our feelings and emotions contain information. If we can stop judging our feelings, whether comfortable or uncomfortable, as “good” or “bad,” we can start being present with what is arising without moving into aversion or attachment. 
   
   The first step in listening to the knowledge and information in our feelings is to slow down and take a pause. Take 10 minutes out of your busy schedule to stop, connect to your body, and feel what’s here without judgment, criticism, the need to analyze, or blame. 
   

2. When you notice the emotion in your body, locate the sensation inside. 
   
   Where is it? Is the sadness in your heart? Is the fear in your belly? Is the anger in your arms? Is it in your entire body? Start to become aware of this, tracking it with neutrality and compassion, guiding your breath gently to the tender places of your body where you feel the pain or discomfort. 
   

3. When you have located the sensation of pain or discomfort, you may, if you feel comfortable, place a hand on that place in your body, and acknowledge the pain with the words: “I feel you”, “I’m here,” or “I’m listening.” Listen with your compassionate presence to the information that it’s sharing, without the need to fix it, but feeling it.
   

   Notice what happens next. Perhaps you’ll get a sense of what it needs to feel less sad, scared, or helpless. Perhaps you’ll find a greater understanding and acceptance of what is. Perhaps it has a nugget of wisdom about how you can help the world. The first step starts with acknowledgment and deep listening. 

2. Find your resources. 

“It hurts to care; the courage to care is the profoundest courage there is.” 
- Julia Butterfly Hill 

To strengthen our ability to be present and to connect to the vulnerability and suffering of self and others, we may need to resource ourselves to stay calm and present in the midst of adversity. As we attune ourselves to internal and external support systems, we can start to cultivate the qualities of courage, strength, and acceptance in turbulent times. 

Dr. Arielle Schwartz, licensed clinical psychologist and author of the book “The Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook,” clearly explains: “Resources” are the internal and external tools that allow you to feel grounded in the present moment and capable of turning toward the pain without becoming overwhelmed.” 

1. Write a list of your internal resources. Internal resources could include prayer, meditation, and connecting to your breath. Everyone is different, so internal resources look different for each individual. Take time out of your day to prioritize resourcing yourself. 

2. Write a list of your external resources. External resources could include connecting with mentors and friends who support, encourage and uplift you. It could include activities such as yoga, walking in nature, swimming in the ocean, or movement and dance. 

3. Receive support. Slow down and take time to enjoy the support and strength in your body. Become aware of the sensations in the body when you notice returning to presence, relaxation, and calm. What does this feel inside, and can you take some time to enjoy the sensations of peace, acceptance, stability, and strength? As you continue to do this, you will be expanding the “healing vortex,” both individually for yourself and collectively for the world. 

3. Reconnect to your center. 

Below is a somatic exercise that can support strengthening our center, feeling grounded, and cultivating healthy boundaries, which was taught to me by Dr. Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing. 

Remember a time in the recent past when you felt most yourself. Where you could feel the “Tom ness of Tom”. Take yourself back to the memory, your feelings, your thoughts, and your actions. Start to tune into your body sensations and notice any sensations of strength, aliveness, and power inside. Take your time to slow down and enjoy these sensations for 8 - 10 breaths. Notice the change inside and how this strengthens your sense of self. 

My invitation is for you to choose, just for 10 minutes or longer, to be touched by your own vulnerability and suffering. Befriend them. The more we can strengthen ourselves to lean towards discomfort, we can start to cultivate self-compassion, which will ultimately transform into compassion for the world without the need to move into patterns of avoidance, anxiety, fear, self-absorption, and judgment. 

As Pema Chodron shares: "As we learn to have compassion for ourselves, the circle of compassion for others - what and whom we can work with, and how - becomes wider.” 

By acknowledging and sitting with our own pain, finding our resources, and becoming centred, we expand our ability to hold space for the pain of others. It is in this way that our personal healing paves the way for collective healing of the world around us.

About Atira Tan

Atira Tan is the Founder and International Program Director of Art to Healing, a charity supporting the trauma recovery of child sex slaves and gender-based violence in Asia and the Pacific.

For the past 19 years, Atira has dedicated her life to the trauma recovery and freedom of child sex slaves, and has successfully helped thousands of Asian women and girls to live an empowered and inspired life, free from slavery. Explore more of Atira’s work here.

If you’re interested in understanding more about how somatic practices can help you, consider working with a Somatic Therapist or Practitioner. The Embody Lab’s Somatic Therapist and Practitioner Directory can help you find the right practitioner to support your journey towards more self-compassion, connection, and authenticity. Explore our directory and find the support you need.