SALVE – A Somatic Approach to Self-soothing for Internal and External Conflict with Kai Cheng Thom (Part 1)
Part One of Kai Cheng Thom’s explorative and empathic approach on the topic of Embodied Conflict Resolution.
Who is Kai Cheng Thom?
Kai Cheng Thom, MSW, MSc, is a certified Somatic Sex Educator, Qualified Mediator, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Certified Professional Coach, and beloved speaker at The Embody Lab for multiple programs and summits. Based in tkaronto/Toronto, Kai is also the author of five award-winning books in various genres. Kai’s work focuses on the intersection of social justice, pleasure activism, and transformative approaches to healing conflict. A noted speaker and practitioner of somatic wellness, healing, and group process facilitation, Kai Cheng supports individuals and groups who are seeking to repair relationships and make transformative change.
Below is an excerpt from Kai’s session at The Embody Lab’s One-Day Summit for Embodied Conflict Resolution.
“We cannot practice embodiment without practicing awareness of who we are and where we come from, and we cannot practice conflict resolution without being aware of the metaphorical water in which we swim.”
In order to discuss embodied conflict resolution, we must first become aware of the waters in which we swim: legacies of colonization, cultural genocide, and other forms of systemic oppression that shape the way we experience life and conflict with one another.
It’s important to approach this topic and learning experience by weaving a deeper awareness of systemic oppression into our learning sessions together as well as in our lives in general.
Take a Moment to Pause and Reflect Before Diving In
Begin this moment by feeling your way into the mindspace of embodied conflict resolution. Consider your intentions and the techniques for feeling conflict in the body. Bring your focus to soothing the intense sensation or dissociation that can come with conflict.
Most of us are not fond of conflict; no shocker there, so it’s important to acknowledge, first, that we're all afraid of conflict.
Consider finishing this prompt about that fear of conflict:
“I am afraid of conflict because ____.”
Some examples:
I am afraid of conflict because of losing important relationships.
I am afraid of conflict because I might be disliked or rejected after.
I am afraid of conflict because I might lose myself or feel abandoned.
I am afraid of conflict because I don’t want to hurt others and worry about what people will say if I do.
What does this fear of conflict reveal?
Maybe you were bullied by a sibling as a child, and that felt bad. Maybe you’ve experienced people-pleasing body sensations in response to the fear of losing love. Maybe conflict triggers you. What if you say something you can't take back?
There’s also the shame of being wrong, of not wanting escalation to hurt yourself or others, of wasting time because the person you’re in conflict with is afraid. There’s also the fear of displeasing the other person.
“I am afraid of conflict because of overwhelming emotions, because anger is not culturally acceptable. Will it reveal that I'm a bad person?”
Take a moment now to notice what's happening in the body when you consider these fears.
Whether you’re in a learning environment online, in public, or at home, it can be helpful to just take a look around and notice the presence of other human beings.
There's a person and there's a face and there's a name.
You might even give a little smile if you want to, or if you don't want to smile, you can make a monster face! You really just need to just notice there are other human beings. See what that does to the nervous system. In the online learning space, we can hold and share the conflict. We can be in fear together. We can be a little silly because silly is okay. Consider this: What are you noticing in your body now?
Can you laugh at yourself? Do you need to shake it out?
Do any of these statements and feelings resonate now: I'm safe now. It's not that scary. It’s always worse in my head than in real life. Permission. Calm. Safe relaxation. Excitement and gratitude. Engaged connection is the way through.
There’s a Lot of Fear Around Conflict
The fear is valid, and often centers around the idea of others will hurt me or abandon me, or I will hurt others and then be abandoned. What is that fear? It’s attachment fear.
Connecting with others isn’t just about smiling, it’s also about sharing the monster face or the silly face as well. It’s about sharing the fear itself. Voicing emotion and sensation as a collective can help us feel less alone.
Where Conflict Stirs Shame
There's something that happens around our fear of conflict that also has an element of shame. Do you ever feel ashamed when you think about your fear around conflict? What's that about?
On a cognitive level, the shame attached to conflict and fear of conflict often sounds something like “Oh, I should be better at this. I should be better at relationships. I should be better at giving love to others and should be better at receiving love from others. I shouldn't be afraid of conflict.”
However, in the body, we can think of shame in relation to conflict as a protective mechanism that curls us inward. Shame can feel like a physical technology that is sort of meant to keep us contained and shrinking, which prevents further provocation of future conflict.
Consider how there's a kind of wisdom to that shame, except it also feels really bad. In a highly complex social system, that mechanism of curling away and turning inward might not actually be that helpful for all kinds of reasons, but we have it nonetheless. We have these beautifully developed prefrontal cortexes and very rich social etiquettes where we might need to participate, so maybe that shame is not as helpful as it might have been when it was first evolutionarily developing.
Relieving the Shame
How do we relieve our shame? We can start to unhook shame from fear by voicing the emotions, preferably in an online learning group, in order to create a sense of okayness in our environments.
It's okay for us to be scared and it's okay for us to have conflict. It's okay for us not to know what to do.
We can peel away that first layer of shame just by saying, who else is afraid? Oh, me, yes. Also, I am scared. Then the shame can start to go away. Slowly, we might notice that others are feeling the same, then we can giggle together, become a little silly or a little bouncy in response to conflict, which can also relieve feelings of shame.
Humor’s Place in the Process
We have to be careful with humor and silliness when we're in conflict because we want to treat conflict seriously. We don't want people to feel like we are mocking them. We don't want to mock ourselves either. It's not about mocking; it's about the ability to go inward and laugh at ourselves.
If we're trying to find laughter, which is often really helpful in moments of conflict, sometimes the first person we might try to laugh at is ourselves - not in a mocking way, but in a lighthearted, compassionate way.
We can take ourselves seriously but with tenderness and compassion at the same time. When we can start to cultivate that flexibility, we start to release shame. When we are able to laugh with others too, maybe they will start to release shame as well. Then we can be in that place of fear together. In that togetherness, co-regulation will help us to feel less afraid, and then we start to be able to be in a different place altogether with conflict and with fear.
Learn more about anti-oppressive conflict management to facilitate transformation in community and organizational settings with our 25-hr Embodied Conflict Resolution Certificate.
FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS TRANSFORMATIVE PROGRAM AT OUR FREE INFORMATION SESSION ON MAY 7TH
Join us live and online. Meet Kai Cheng Thom, have your questions answered, and discover if this program is right for you! The session will be recorded, so if you can’t make the live event, register anyway and we’ll send you the recording.
