Grief Fortitude: My Journey of Finding Joy Amid the Loss
By Jen Allbritton, BS, 500 E-RYT, Somatic EMDR Practitioner
In this crazy, beautiful life, you and I will both experience loss and its constant companion, grief. But I am here to say that in the weeds of grief, unconditional joy is always possible. I’ve experimented with how to live this out in real-time, and this piece highlights my experience.
Personally, I am in one of those seasons where loss feels relentless: Losing a sense of youthfulness as I saunter ‘over the hill’ into my 50s, walking alongside my mom as she loses her independence. All this sandwiched between losing a community of friends I once held so dear.
And if I’m honest, the ache is heavy on my heart in unexpected proportions.
“All change involves loss, and loss involves grief, and grief involves pain.” — author unknown
These words remind me grief is a constant companion to us all. Sometimes, it feels almost too much to bear, and other times, less so.
Either way, learning to see and hold our grief well feels like a priority.
Loss Jolts Us Awake
Pain pulls us back into reality, telling us something needs tending to. Pain, at its core, is a clue to care.
And when we care for ourselves in the pain, this is exactly where building grief fortitude begins.
“True comfort in grief is in acknowledging the pain, not in trying to make it go away…Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” -Megan Devine, It’s OK That You’re Not OK
Fortitude is defined as courage in adversity. Loss is a certain adversity.
Thankfully, fortitude is a skill we can intentionally learn. And truly, our very life is our curriculum. Each circumstance offers an opportunity to build fortitude if we open ourselves to learning.
It’s not that we want to wait for the other proverbial shoe to drop; it’s more of a bone-deep acceptance that life is imperfect and being alive is inherently messy.
Grief Fortitude
When I am in the throes of loss, grief, and pain, I need a plan to move forward, or I know from experience I will start to spiral in the wrong direction.
Navy SEAL and Congressman Dan Crenshaw writes:
“Fortitude is not an innate quality, but a skill that can be developed through practice and perseverance.”
As an embodiment practitioner, I regularly experiment on myself not only to continue to live life with more intention but also so that I can be more effective in supporting others. And what I have learned is, seeking relief from grief in a body-centered way is key to fully sense, feel, and experience soul-level healing.
Cultivating more fortitude simply won’t happen fully with human logic alone, it must be a lived-in somatic experience for true fortitude to take hold.
My Grief Fortitude Strategy
Pulling myself up from the grief spiral is a form of embodied self-therapy. This is my strategy that helps me, sometimes daily, and maybe it will help you too.
First, I self-regulate. Becoming conscious of your breath is the simplest and most effective way to calm your body, and in turn, your mind. Nothing fancy, simply noticing your breath intuitively slows things down. As Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh says to use your breath “to bring your mind home to your body.”
And when we return home to our bodies, we feel our emotions.
You might be saying, “but grief hurts, why would I want to feel my grief?” Feeling and even the simple act of saying, “I am grieving” is a potent practice to move forward. Verbalizing feelings reduces activation in the amygdala, our brain’s alarm system that triggers the fight-or-flight reaction.
All emotions, subtle or intense, are embodied experiences. In fact, the Latin derivative for the word emotion, ‘emotere,’ literally means energy in motion.
For me, deep grief often brings a dull-weightiness to the body, an ache, or the sensation of a broken heart. How about you?
Noticing, feeling, and naming your emotions is the first step forward toward grief fortitude.
Then comes the somatic release. Neuroscientist and psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett, in her book “How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain,” defines emotions as “your brain’s creation of what your bodily sensations mean, in relation to what is going on around you in the world.”
In other words, emotions are not abstract concepts, but the brain’s interpretation of our bodily sensations. Simply put, emotions are bodily sensations.
So we move to help grief dissipate, dissolve, or at least shift in some way rather than stay stagnant.
To unlock my emotional storm, I clean, organize, and vacuum my heart little out. But it could be going for a walk, taking a yoga class, or boxing into the air or a pillow.
Try it. Feel your sensations shift and change while you move. I promise, it’s therapeutic.
Self-love mends. This is where I remind myself that hurting is normal, loss is universal, and I am not alone. Learning to gracefully dance with and intentionally grow from each experience is how we little bit by little bit cultivate courage to walk through future adversity with more finesse.
Finally, I find a way to make myself useful and zoom out of my personal pain. Walk the dog who howls with excitement for the exercise, bless someone by being an empathetic ear, crochet hats for kids with cancer. The number of ways to zoom out of our circumstance and be useful are endless.
There you go, the highlights of my self-experimenting for embodied grief fortitude and I’m here to tell you it works! It’s not perfect; nothing is, and as Hal Elrod says, “Personal growth is about progress, not perfection.”
Quick Summary
Self-regulate first to give yourself the space to even notice what’s happening in you emotionally and physically. Move your “energy in motion” in any way that feels therapeutic to you. And top it off with a heaping dose of loving compassion and seeking ways to be useful.
Grief is a roller coaster. Some days we enjoy the lull of the straightaways as the wind kisses our face; other days we are turned upside down and our insides are tied in knots. But each day offers opportunities to persevere and build the hard-won skill of fortitude.
It’s hands-down one of the best ways to live into our most joy-filled life, even amid the weeds of grief.
Do you have any strategies for holding grief well that have worked for you?
Or if you are still making your way forward, struggling to feel joy amidst the grief, reach out, finding a supportive professional you connect with can offer the breakthrough you need.
About Jen Allbritton
Jen - somatic EMDR, movement therapy, and Primal Question Coach - love’s supporting other’s inner work to transform pain into joy! It is through her own pain-to-joy experience after healing the trauma of adoption, the physical wreckage of Lyme, and persistent pain that led her into the profession of counseling others in their journey to live their best one and precious life. When your profession is your passion, the learning never ends, however, her specialties include the Primal Question framework to uncover your foundational emotional needs (find the 5-min assessment here), somatic EMDR for emotional processing (Embodied Lab), polyvagal-based nervous system regulation techniques to bring clarity and calm, resilience-informed therapeutic movement, such as somatics, yoga, and fascial flossing (infused with TCM), as well as embodied meditation (sample on Soundcloud: Self Love and Compassion) and breathwork.
You are unique and feeling empower to live into the rhythms, relational wisdom, and mindsets that lead you toward living into more joy is possible! Connect with Jen for a one-on-one session HERE.
Meet Jen and learn more about transforming pain into joy on The Embody Lab’s Therapist Directory.
If you’re interested in understanding more about how somatic practices can help you, consider working with a Somatic Therapist or Practitioner. The Embody Lab’s Somatic Therapist and Practitioner Directory can help you find the right practitioner to support your journey towards more self-compassion, connection, and authenticity. Explore our directory and find the support you need.
